Cable Connection Woes

I’m writing this story for my sister, Ellen Lumsden, in her voice.

​Steve and I recently had new carpet installed throughout our house. Before they started, the workmen instructed us to unplug all electronics including the cable box. When the workers were finished, Steve plugged everything back in and went out to run some errands.

​While he was gone, I decided to get on the bed to watch TV. One of my favorite shows on HGTV, “My Lottery Dream Home” was on. After I won $500 on the scratch off, I’m addicted to it to win the million-dollar scratch off. That $500 needs a few more zeros!

​However, when I hit the power button on the remote, nothing happened. The screen remained black. Hmmmm… I was feeling good that my brain was working enough to remember the phone number: 800-Xfinity. (But really, how much brain power is needed to remember that?) I called and immediately found myself on hold. No human even asked if I could wait. Just straight to elevator music. 

​Though I hate waiting, it’s somehow comforting to know the other people on hold are also morons who can’t turn on the TV. I hate being bored and since I definitely wouldn’t be able to win the lottery, I picked up the book I was reading while I waited. After about 20 minutes, someone came on the line. 

“Tech support. How can I help you?”

​“We had carpet people here, and they unplugged all our electronics. My husband re-plugged everything, but now the TV won’t come on,” I explained.

​“Check the back of the TV to be sure everything is plugged into the correct outlet,” he instructed.

​“Hold on,” I told the guy. “It’ll take me a few minutes to get down there.” I put him on speaker phone. (In retrospect I should have taken the phone down there with me, but really, who was thinking?) The tech was probably wondering if he had Grandma Moses on the phone…that or I was in a full body cast and had to unhitch myself. He wouldn’t have been too far off. I mean, if you can’t get down what difference does it make why?

​I slid down off the bed onto my knees and, like a one-year-old, crawled over to the outlet. I knew if I tried to stand, I would not be able to move the furniture without losing my balance. I crawled the few feet to reach the dresser. Really, I was struggling like a snake trying to get out of her cage. Using whatever upper body and arm strength I have, I finally managed to move that danged dresser a few inches away from the wall and tried to slither to reach the plug. Maybe Simone Biles could have accomplished this task, but I’m not her, I’m not her age and I have Parkinson’s!

​Like a caterpillar, I wormed my way back out on my knees, and with some Heruculean strength I didn’t know I had, moved the dresser a few more inches. Errrrr.

​“HOLD ON!” I yelled to the tech. “I’m working on it! Are you still there?” Can’t imagine what he must have been thinking.

“Yes Maam,” was his reply. I managed to move the dresser another inch or two and again attempted to reach the plugs. That’s when I realized there was some writing on three outlets. However, I couldn’t read it because I didn’t have my glasses!

I took a deep breath thinking how ridiculous this is. Backing out on my knees, (which might have been okay if I were that toddler!) while yelling, “HOLD ON!” I crawled to the bed where I’d left my glasses when I was reading and then crawled back to the outlet. This is harder than any exercise routine. Other people doing sit-ups have nothing on me. This tough routine is my exercise for today (maybe even tomorrow and the next day!)

​Now that I could see, having donned my glasses, I told the tech, “There are labels marked 1, 2 and 3. Which is the one for the TV?” He told me it was the Number 3 outlet.

​I did it! All without fainting, which is a true accomplishment when I compare it to the nine stitches I got in my forehead after fainting a few weeks ago. But that’s a story for a different day. 

​I picked up the phone that was lying on the floor and, breathless, said, “Thank you so much.”

​“Glad to help,” he said. I took a well-deserved rest while I watched the show. I didn’t win anything.

Read more by Linda Miller.